The dreaded Aunt Flo

This always makes me laugh. My grandmothers name was Flo. I liked visits from her, but not from my aunt Flo. Aunt Flo always brings me headaches. Nanny Flo always had nice chewy spearmint candies. Aunt Flo brings cramps, Nanny Flo brought Toys.

Why the hell cant Aunt Flo be nice? My daughter turned 11 months old yesterday, and of COURSE my dear Aunt Flo had to pay me a visit for the first time since JoHannah was born.

Whoever invented this menstruation crap is an ass. I don’t think that bleeding every 28 days for 5 days is very fun. It is messy, sticky, smelly and GROSS. I want to crawl into bed with a bottle of Midol and chocolate covered cherries and eat my self into oblivion. But I have 5 kids and an office to run, so I cant do that.

The majority of us know why Aunt Flo visits women every month. For those that don’t, here is a run down: (I suggest google too, because you are truly oblivious if you dont) 🙂

Day one, the first day of your period. Periods last for an average of 5days and occur on average every 28 days. What does a period do you ask?

It flushes the uterus of built up tissue that the uterus has made nice and fluffy for the little eggy to burrow into. If the egg does not get fertilized, it all needs to be flushed and the cycle starts over.

Around day 14 a nice warm little eggy hatches from its home in the ovary and floats down the fallopian tube waiting for your husband, or one night stands (if that is how you dig it) sperm. Some of us want that egg to be fertilized and some don’t. That’s wear birth control comes in.

Of course if the egg is not fertilized about 10 days later, you bleed your ass off, have cramps, want to eat pizza, chocolate and pickles until your eyes pop out. You feel like a mess. There is nothing cuter than having bloody thighs and messy pads or tampons to deal with. Even better is when the dog digs through the trash and carries them all over your house, or better yet, the neighbors dog gets into the trash on the sidewalk and your menstrual mess is strewn all over the street.

Next time a man, gives you any shit for my PMS symptoms, just ask him this.

“Would you like it if your balls bled every 28 days?” I don’t think so.  In fact, men are such babies, I am sure they would not function for 12 days.

This is of course a rant of one PMS stricken, breastfeeding, hormonal mother of 5. If you don’t like the language, or bluntness, please don’t come back, I am sure there will be more.

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On a more serious note.

As some of you may know….I have 5 children. They are all a blessing, they are all unique, they are all special.

Last year a few weeks after JoHannah was born, something happened that changed my life. My baby girl Wendy got sick.

It was a warm, sunny, Las Vegas spring day. The kids got up that morning as usual. My oldest, Olivia, had gotten Wendy out of her crib. She was about 18 months old at the time. Olivia brought her downstairs and said that Wendy could not walk. I thought perhaps that she had slept on her leg wrong and it was asleep. I jiggled her leg and put her down. Sure enough, Wendy could not walk. As soon as I put her down, she fell. She seemed like she had been up all night drinking, that is how bad it was.

Tim and I rushed her to the couch to check her out. We laid her down and then we noticed her eyes, going round and round in circles and jumping back and forth. She then proceeded to vomit. I knew something was not right. From previous run ins with vertigo, i knew all too well that my baby had Vertigo. But VERTIGO in a perfectly normal 18 month old was not right. So I had Tim bring her to the pediatricians office ASAP. Thankfully the peds office is above the hospital. At first the doctor saw nothing wrong with her and said it was most likely a virus or from a bump on the head. When the doctor laid her down, her eyes started to circle again. The doctor immediately said that it was not normal for her eyes to do that and he suggested she be rushed to the ER at the local hospital.

When Tim got her to the ER they did blood work and a CT scan. Then admitted her for the night to watch her. The neurologist came in that night and told us that everything from her scan and blood work looked normal and that she thought it was Benign Parasoxml Vertigo of childhood (BPPV) or what they call a migraine equivalent.

We knew that Wendy had always, meaning several times a week vomited in her sleep. We just thought, with so many other kids in the house that she always got the brunt of viruses. We know knew that it is called cyclic vomiting and can happen with BPPV.

We took Wendy home the next day, she seemed normal. No issues at all, albeit I was a wreck. We figured and hoped it was an isolated event and that it would never happen again. No need to follow up with the nuero or ENT (ear nose throat doc.)

Fast forward to the last week of December 2007. Sitting down on the couch getting ready for some High Octane Patriots Football with all the kids. Wendy was laying on the couch, kicking daddy and having a good time. Just as the game started, I looked over and there she was again, eyes rolling around with no response. I quickly sat her up and dialed 911. The paramedics arrived about 10 minutes later. They looked her over, said that she looked fine and that we could bring her into the ER ourselves. Then it happened again, the EMT’s did not like the looks of it, so off Tim and Wendy went in the ambulance, back to the hospital.

I followed to the ER after my mom arrived to watch the other kids. They had put and IV in, catheterized and and taken blood work. She was getting some fluids, so the vomiting would not dehydrate her. The doctor phoned the nuerologist that had seen Wendy in April. She then agreed that it still sounded like BPPV and that we could take her home and keep her comfy and to follow up with the nuero in a few days.

Because of private insurance i had to wait and go back to the Ped and get a referral to see the nuero. We finally got in last week. The nuero was very helpful and informative. She said she still thinks that Wendy has BPPV of childhood, but agrees that more testing is needed. She needs to have an MRI of her brain and ear canals, and EEG to check her brain waves for seizure disorders and some blood work to check for rare metabolic or genetic disorders. Of course all these things take time, because of insurance protocols. We have to use our HMO portion of our insurance because it is considered a pre-existing condition, so referrals are needed just to take a shit.

The episodes seem to be at bay, then she had another attack 2 nights ago. They seem more frequent and I am scared for her. Scared for what it might to to her childhood. All i can do is keep her comfy and safe. I know as a mother, i should not coddle her, should not try and keep her near me at all times. I want Wendy to have a normal childhood, full of climbing trees, skipping rope , ballet and looking for worms in the dirt.

No matter your religious preferences, please keep Wendy in your thoughts and prayers. Please pray/hope that this can be solved easily and that Wendy can be back to her normal 2 year old self.

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Are you offended?

I feel like I have a calling. To educate mothers, especially teen mothers on the benefits of breast feeding. We all can understand how the human body works. Your body will do what is right for you. It will produce what it needs and if it does not have what it needs to survive, it shuts down.

Breast feeding is a prime example of that. I was once a teen mother, 10 years ago. The thought of breast feeding a child, or seeing a child be breast fed, was atrocious to me. It made me sick. I tried to nurse my firstborn in the hospital, but it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. So i took the lovely formula samples and fed my child that way. Hell, it was easier, i thought. That way my husband could feed the baby, i could get shit done.

Fast forward 5 years from the day my daughter was born. I had my son. It was the most miraculous day of my life. The idea of a women, bearing a child of the opposite sex, just seemed impossible to me. I was the beginning. The beginning of life. It all started with women. My son, eyes barely open from the bright lights. Quickly and eagerly made his way to my breast, ON HIS OWN. He suckled. Just then this feeling of warmth, this surge of hormones came over me. The feeling was unreal. I could nurture my son, beyond my womb. It was not over. Over the weeks and months we got used to our time together. It was so much easier. No smelly formula to mix, no smelly formula poops, no getting out of bed in the middle of the night, to warm a bottle. No worries about what they heck i was putting in to my child.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am of the mindset that formula has a place. I don’t think it is poison. Formula has saved many a babies life. I am speaking of healthy, able mothers with healthy able children.

So for the past 4 years I have breast fed my last 3 children. I have co-slept. I have not been a zombie with sleep deprivation.

Infants are truly amazing, as are their mothers. Infants, minutes old can find a breast and latch on. Mothers that sleep with their children, will amazingly in their sleep, adjust their children, feed them etc. A mothers temperature rises after the birth of her children, to keep them warm and comforted. I don’t think there is more positive proof that breasts were made for babies.

A mother milk is just the right composition for “HER” baby. Breast Milk changes from week to week, sickness, and growth. The milk a mother makes for one baby will be different for another.

On to breast feeding in public. I have no qualms about taking out my breast (discreetly if possible and not discreetly if not) and feeding my child in ANY public or private place I have the right to be. This includes Denny’s, the grocery store, the gas station. Any where. I don’t feel i have to cover my infants head with a blanket, because what i am doing is natural. The statements, such as i don’t want to see another women’s breast, etc. are just plain stupid. People see breasts everyday on the cover of magazines, books, the local hangouts and bars. Once you have seen a breast, you have seen them all. Why is OK for a man to ogle over a ladies breast and not even look her in the eye, but when it comes to feeding a baby, it is dirty, and must be put away?

Of course I could go on and on about the whole subject. But to me pictures speak a thousand words. There is nothing to be offended by, nothing to be amused by, nothing to feel uncomfortable about when seeing a mother, give her child the best start in life that she can.

Offended?

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You want a “WHAT?”

The topic of the day is wanting a penis. I think it would be great to own one for a day and Liana agrees wholeheartedly. I think i would lock my self in my room. I think i would only want one for a day or so, then it might get all raw and sore, so I would want to give it back.

It is funny the the things that women talk about when alone. Like the kids, the kids, the husbands, the animals and of course sex. Including how gross it can be, especially when you feel like an overgrown cow that spits kids out every few months and breast feeds until your nipples fall off. I dont think men understand this completely. I have been pregnant of breast feeding for over 4 years now. The last thing i can think of is sex. My vagina feels like the Sahara desert. No amount of lubrication could quench its thirst.

Then of course as women we can talk about the wonders of sex and procreation. Right now procreating is on my mind. Having more children would be a wonderful addition to my family. Women can talk about all aspects of sex together. I think it would be hilarious to see men talking about any of these things with each other. I think all women deserve to feel comfortable with how their bodies work, what can go wrong, how it changes like the following examples below:

BEFORE CHILDREN:

Hot ripped body

Flat Tummy

Tight kegels

Nice rounded butt

Perky Breasts

AFTER CHILDREN:

Tummy made of pillsbury dough

Ass thighs (this is wear you ass has virtually become part of your thighs from sagging)

Stretch Marks

Giant Holey Belly button

Saggy Tits

Bladder dysfunction (imagine wetting your self every time you move, speak, laugh, sneeze)

These are all just examples. I of course prefer the latter. I am happy with what mother hood has done to my body. I would not change it for the world. Well, OK, I lied. I would reather not piss my self just from getting up from my chair.

Any hoooooooooooooo……I think all women, epsecially mothers need to be comforted by the fact that they are not alone. We all think these things. It just boils down to who has the guts to say them.

I do.

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